Thursday, November 21, 2013

It's been one of those weeks

A few weeks, actually.  Somehow I have become the person who has to have a plan in place if her psychologist goes on vacation.  Much circling of wagons and calling of trusted friends and Rescue Remedy and essential oils and reminding myself of my coping strategies.  Because a woman I'd never heard of two years ago was going to be out of town and out of reach for two weeks.

I'm also one of those people who gets triggered by seemingly random things, and suddenly has a vicious headache or stomachache or has to leave the room Right Now because I'm shaking or crying (or shaking AND crying) too hard to be out amongst the people.

This morning, after a particularly internally-exhausting 24 hours, I thought I'd pull out my smartphone and read through some of my "Buechner Quotes of the Day" email that I'd been letting pile up in the Buechner folder in my Inbox, as I sat in yet another parking lot working up the nerve to Do The Next Thing.

And I read this:

Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.

And because words do things for me, suddenly everything around me shifted, just a little.  The sun shining in through the streaks on my windshield was a friendlier.  Putting washer fluid in the van seemed like a task I could actually accomplish.

And windershield washer fluid itself was a deep, brilliant blue, a colour I could imagine myself wearing.

Grace.

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