Friday, April 05, 2013

Give and take

I've been writing this post in my head for a few days, but I wasn't sure I'd post it.  I like to post the positive, and also, there's a lot about my current journey that I haven't written in public about. There's a journal, and I've had face to face conversations with people, but cyberspace is another leap. I'm not ready to make that leap yet, and so it's easiest just to post the peripherals, like smiling at myself in the mirror on a daily basis.

And then I read this post:

and thought, okay, I'll post it.  I am resisting the urge to polish this post.  Let's post things that aren't beautifully worded!

This is still not a full-disclosure leap.  It's maybe even nothing new, the peek into what some of my days are like this will give, but it feels more raw than anything else I've posted since this began.

Wednesday was a very hard day.  Something happened Tuesday evening that triggered me badly, and I'd been feeling pretty much stunned ever since.  I couldn't feel my body, and I couldn't think. I couldn't name the trigger, and I couldn't figure out my reaction.

But there was this moment ...

I'm driving to pick A up from rugby, and as I turn off our street onto the main road, a woman in a long black coat half-raises her arm to flag me down.  She looks as stunned as I have felt all day, and I don't even think twice before pulling over, and rolling down the window.

"I - I just need a ride."  She is crying.  "A ride to an address near here."

"No problem," I tell her.  "I know how it is to feel completely lost."

The address she gives is quite close to where we are.  On the drive over, I make sure that where she is going is safe, because clearly she was not where she felt safe moments before.  She tells me a little about what happened, a moment of unexpected violence, and "Thank you for helping me."

I think of myself, an hour ago, huddled under the covers, begging God to send me some help, because I knew I needed to find my way back to 2013 but I couldn't do it on my own ...and the phone interrupted my prayer, one of my dearest friends calling to ask how my day is going.

"No problem."  I tell her.

She gives a few more details.  "He's my ex.  He said he'd cook dinner for us."  She's distraught, and I have no idea how much of this she will remember, but I have to say something.

"It's hard to remember that the people we care about aren't safe just because we want them to be."  She will never know that I am speaking out of my own immense pain.

She doesn't say anything, cries harder.  I hand her Kleenex, drop her off, make sure she gets into her house safely.

An hour later, after having picked A up at rugby, gotten her something to eat, and dropped her off at youth group, I am once again sobbing, on the phone with a friend, because my own darkness has descended again.  I try very hard to minimize the effect my current struggles are having on my family, and knew that I shouldn't be home right then.  It takes a lot of courage for me to be vulnerable enough to ask if I can just come sit on someone's couch until I'm together, but that's what I did.

Such an exhausting day, I tell God on my way over to the couch.  Why I am always taking?

And He reminds me of the woman in the long black coat, who looked as I lost as I felt, who found ten minutes of sanctuary in my van, and there is, once again, comfort.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

We live in a world FULL of pain. Yesterday we gave love and support to an elderly fellow who is completely immobilized and in great physical pain. He told us he has God's deep inner peace. That helped us! Go figure. But, God is the answer, always, and we must die daily to our own devices to save ourselves, and let His Spirit hold our bodies, souls and His healing hands. He took our Pain...and dealt with it, He continues to do so...we need to let Him do so. Love to you!!