Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Titles are hard.

My sister-in-law, talking about losing her mother, recently wrote:

I will go on singing, and the grief in my voice will only make it richer.

I need to believe that, that grief will make my voice richer.  I want so badly to not have a voice, to not have memory, to fall asleep and wake up and my beloved, loving mother-in-law will still be here, and the person who is darkest in my recovered memories will be again what they were to me, all my growing up years.  Loss layers on loss, and grief is my close companion, these days, and I cannot even begin to articulate how much I hate that, on this day of sunbright snow and kind strangers and a warm dog to welcome me home.  Today my husband smiles at me as he leaves for work, smiles with his entire heart in his face, and A brings me an essay she's written for English and B bounds up and down the stairs, long and lean and capable, and I try, I do my best, but my best, some days, today, is subdued, and I want to be here, I want to be present in my life but being present hurts, it hurts so much.

And yet.  I know that walking away from the hurt will not help me, and so I pray for courage, and I pray that the people I love will know that I love them even on the dark days, and I look forward to the light.

7 comments:

Heather Plett said...

Made me cry. It's hard to believe in wholeness when everything feels broken. But you do know how to love (and wrap people in knitted things), even when it feels like you don't.

Marcia said...

Praying.

Cara said...

Sending all the love your way and hoping that a candle will arrive soon to light the darkness.

Daisy Patch said...

How much I understand your words.It is a place I am in often.May God surround you with his loving arms.

Violet N. said...

Sorry to hear you're in a dark time. Take care. {{hugs}}

Anonymous said...

The way your husband looks at you? Yeah, that. :D
Kay

Anonymous said...

38My dear, lovely friend, all I can say from my own experience, is that in spending time with Him you will see that Light, as only He can bring it to you. I trust that for you, for I trust Him. Love you!!!