Thursday, January 24, 2008

Posting? what posting?

Every time I sit down to post something, a silly story about almost running out of gas, or a post about my lovely blossoming daughter and how lovely she looked in her mime makeup the other night, or how it's so easy to underestimate "the baby" just because he's three and a half years younger than his sister and then one day you realize he's much better at piano, or reading, or being brave, than you thought he was ...every single time, I type a few words and think -

What I really want to say is:

Pray for Jack.

My earlier post didn't make it clear, but Jack is my unborn nephew.

When we pray for Jack, our family, it's not just Jack on our hearts, our sweet sweet boy, violated in what should the safest and most sacred of places.  It's all the close calls and sudden losses we've been through together - the SIL we prayed for with all our hearts fervently, who is at least 5 years past her "five years cancer free", the prayers for safety in travel that were answered in the affirmative - and also our failed adoption, H & M's stillborn son, stillborn in spite of our most heartfelt prayers.  It's the fathers, mine and TechnoBoy's, who died before we could petition the throne on their behalf.  In every prayer that goes up for Jack, there is the acknowledgement that the miracle we are begging for is something our great and all-powerful God is more than capable of accomplishing, tempered by the absolute knowledge that that belief is not enough to save this boy's life.  There are caskets and gravesites and searing losses that remind us that sometimes, what we are called to is pain, that love and faith are not enough to make everything turn out the way we want them to, that suffering is a gift.  I believe that with my whole heart and I can look back at the times of greatest pain in my life and say beyond the shadow of a doubt that those times blessed me in ways that I would not have been blessed without them - but that's on the other side, with the buffering salve of years behind me.  It's not staring pain in the face, and being able to say "Bring it on."  Even if I could say that for myself, ( and I. Can. Not.), how could I wish that on two people I love with all my heart?

So please, pray for Jack, pray for all of us to stay afloat, every time you come here and I haven't posted anything new or anything else.

Pray for Jack.


BHB said...

I'm at a loss for words - this is SUCH a good post.

Heather said...

Crying here.

We seem to be having a similar kind of retrospectiveness today.

ccap said...

Yeah, I'm with Brad. You were put on this earth to write. Many, many other things as well (not the least of is your propensity to love) but DEFINITELY to write. I am blessed by you. And Jack is too. Thank you.

violet said...

Eloquently said. I type through tears after watching the YouTube on Cynthia's blog.

Slow'n'Steady said...

My "moving" issues have just been right-sized.

How can I cling to "Thy lovingkindness is better than life" when life seems the highest priority.

I miss you.

Linda said...

You have expressed your heart so beautifully. You were meant to write.