Thursday, September 27, 2007

Thirteen Things That Are Keeping Me Awake At Night

1. Will I be late to meet Angela Hunt's plane tomorrow?

2. Will I drop the cake I bought for the book launch?

3. Will I manage to introduce Author #1 and Author #2 without resorting to my usual mix of self-deprecation and laughing at my own lame jokes?

4. Will I be able to introduce Angela Hunt to the conference attendees without sounding like some sort of crazed groupie and/or resorting to my usual entertaining-to-my-self-only mix of self-deprecation and making a huge joke out of the fact that I have NOTHING PREPARED even though I've known about this for DAYS?

5. Will I drop the cake?

6. Will anyone else drop the cake?

7. Heavens to murgatroyds, will they LIKE the cake? It's not what they ordered ...

8. Will I forget how to speak English when it comes time for the Bible reading at the General Meeting?

9. Will I remember to bring my Bible, or will I have to borrow a Bible to read the Scripture I did SO choose prayerfully ahead of time?

10. Will I be able to look Angela Hunt in the eye and admit my book is Nowhere Near Finished?

11. Will I be able to interact with Angela in any manner that will not make me look like I had an unfortunate cranial injury in my formative years?

12. Will I get nervous enough to actually throw up at any point, or will I just have a stomachache all weekend?

13. Also, I'm a bit stressed about the cake. Pray for the cake.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Housekeeping Tip

So you know how sometimes there's company coming over in ten minutes and there are still dishes in the sink and the dog has just thrown up something disgusting under the table and then the phone rings so you stick the dishes in the oven just to make the kitchen look a little better and you promise yourself you will do the dishes right as soon as everyone goes home and the next day you turn on the oven without remembering ...

This is not a good thing.

Here's how to avoid it.

Take the knob off the oven dial just as you're closing the door. Works like a charm.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Good news and good news

Good news #1 - finally got the laptop I've been saving for all summer, and it is a thing of smokin' hot beauty. I feel very very lucky.

Good news #2 - you can drop a brand new laptop onto a cement floor without doing any discernible (able?) damage.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Monday, September 17, 2007

a flawed plan

the problem with leaving someone home to answer the door for purolator to deliver The Package you have been waiting for is that when it arrives you will want to go home right now and you've still got this job to put in a few hours at ...

Friday, September 14, 2007

Free to BAD home, for a few hours, so she knows how good she's got it: One small dog

So I'm on my way out the door to drop A at the bus stop. (long story) The puppy is prancing excitedly at my feet. "No!" I tell her sternly and she darts out the front door. There's no time to catch her, so I open the van door and she jumps in because a car ride is way more fun than running away from home.

We drive to the bus stop, A eating toast and the puppy begging for it, and we get to the bus stop and there's a long yellow bus there and I pull up behind it, where I'm not supposed to be, because I think it's A's bus. However, I spot A's pal S still waiting and breathe a sigh of relief. I encourage A to hurry because I need to get out of the way before another bus shows up. A opens the door and ...the dog jumps out.

She is greeted by the glad cries of school children, who she runs away from, and she runs away from A and she will not come back to the van and there's another bus coming and she runs farther away from everyone, facing us, and squats to pee. I march over there to grab her - that's not pee. And the bus is coming and I need to catch her and I do the only thing I can think of - I grab the dog poop in my left hand and the dog in my right (she's 12 lbs) and I race back to the van and GET OUT OF THE WAY.

I'm driving away gritting my teeth and I hear crunching - Toopka is eating A's leftover toast. I start ranting into the rearview. "The last thing on earth you deserve right now is toast! Get down!" She looks up and goes back to the strawberry jam. "GET DOWN!!!!" I bellow and she does, and comes and sits on the passenger seat and looks up at me, questions all over her face. I shake the handfull of poop in her face. "Look what you made me do!!!" She sniffs it and the look on her face is "You made me leave toast and jam for that?"

As I was washing my hands, it occurred to me that I had likely ruined my daughter's junior high experience, as she would forever be known as the girl whose Mom picked up dog poop.

The good news is no-one saw me do it - my body blocked the view and I was really fast. (There's a line for a resume - "scoops up dog dirt barehanded with blinding speed")

The other good news is once you've shaken a handfull of shite in a uncomprehending animal's face, the day has nowhere to go but up.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Wednesday Wisdom


Sentences that have been uttered in this house in the past week:

Me: There's no need to stab the jam.

B, lying around sick as a dog: Don't say I have no energy. I have a lot of energy. I am keeping it a secret, how much energy I have. I just don't feel like spending any of it.

A, in response to a request to "dial down" the energy: Umm. I'd like to, but I think my dial is broken.

A, who is on a roll this week: I'm sort of in bed. I'm just lying on the floor knocking on the wall first.


And ...

Can someone please tell me when the tears are going to stop? I have finally learned not to say "There's nothing to cry about" as she's gulping for air through the deluge, but that doesn't make it any less baffling that not being able to find the apple sauce is something to give right up on life over.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


I know you were expecting that dried moldy old post from a few weeks back - sorry to disappoint you.

I've been sulking. My children have once again been sucked into the great maw of the public education system, and while I miss them dreadfully, I am apparently not bothered enough to homeschool them. A is in Junior High this year (middle school for you south of the 49th-ers), and B is in Grade 3. Still young, but just yesterday A was feeding B a bottle in this very house. Just yesterday.

Right. Moving on. It's been an interesting transition. Historically one of my children has done extremely well with the transition, skipping gaily off to school in the mornings and tra-la-la-ing home at night, while the other one has adjusted with equal ease, provided time is scheduled for complete and utter lying-on-the-floor kicking and screaming meltdowns once or twice a day. Or hour.

It's a bit different this year. There are no completely falling apart meltdowns, but there are meltdowns. However, the child throwing paper across the room and screaming in frustration is the child who should be singing. The child with the reputation for tantrumming is moving pragmatically through life Doing What Comes Next with remarkable equilibrium and attendant good cheer.

Today I had a perspective shift that helped with it all, thankfully. I have no idea if I'll be able to hold onto this perspective, but for today, it was a blessing.

I watched my child melt down completely, and thought "Why are you acting like this? You know better!" and then I thought - "Wow. Yes you do know better. This is not you. This is being tired and adjusting to school." and instead of punishment, I offered understanding and there was refocussing and the homework got done.

And ...thanks God, for stepping in for us. We all needed that.